Are You Kinky?

Social Norms

Are you kinky?  That question could be answered in any variety of ways depending on who you ask.  Kinky is as kinky does and your degree of kinkiness is defined by what you consider kinky.  What may be vanilla sex to some people—say anal sex—may be edge play others.

Every society develops norms, rules and standards for behavior.  The same is true for sexual behavior.  These standards vary from one society to the next, as well as in historical periods.  They result in dividing people into mainly two groups: those that conform and those who deviate from the “norm”.  In our current society, those that conform would fall into the category of vanilla sex, while those that do not would be called deviants or kinky.  What may be acceptable to one society during a certain place and time may be a crime in another.  In other words, human sexual behavior is a cultural construct, influenced by what a particular society deems acceptable.

In Western culture, our sexuality has been seriously repressed from the time we are young children and often lasts long into adulthood.  These inbred social taboos often plague people with guilt and insecurities, effectively stopping or slowing their exploration of “forbidden” desires.

Pop Culture

Yet, many women have at one time or another read an “erotic” novel and gotten turned on by it.  These Harlequin Romance types of stories usually have themes of conflict and surrender, in which the woman is swept away by a handsome rogue often by force as she cries, “No! No!” while inside she shivers with ecstasy.  Countless horror films turn the tables and put the woman in charge as the evil seductress who lures the man into their web of sex and deceit.  We have Scream Queens, Damsels in Distress, Vamps and Femmes Fatale, all icons of popular culture that hint at the hidden desires we have buried inside.

More and more “vanilla” partners are exploring their sexuality by living out their fantasies and discovering various types of sexual “play”.  From rough sex, to blindfolding, to playful spanking, KINK or BDSM is more mainstream than ever.

Fantasy

As children we learn to fantasize and play games to act these fantasies out.  When we become adults, many of us lose this ability to play.  But, being an adult does not mean you should deprive yourself of your sexual fantasies.  Acting out fantasies and role-playing can create greater trust and intimacy between partners as well as help them to achieve a more sexually fulfilling and exciting sexual life.

According to Nancy Friday, many male and female sexual fantasies revolve around submission and dominance, or some surrender of control.  Many sexual practices that are associated with paraphilias (or deviant sex) are becoming widely recognized as different and diverse forms of sexual play, or kinky sex, rather than a form of psychological deviancy.  When practiced safety, sanely and between consensual adults, these acts are considered by most to be just another form of sexual expression.

Types of Kink

Kink includes a wide spectrum of activities that are almost always eroticized by the participants in some fashion. Many of types of kinky activities can be found under the umbrella of BDSM, which include — but are not limited to — forms of dominance, submission, discipline, punishment, bondage, sexual role-playing, sexual fetishism, sadomasochism, and power exchange, as well as the full spectrum of mainstream sexual interactions.

Role-playing

Role-playing is exactly what it sounds like: each partner takes on a usually complementary, but unequal, role in which they enact personas and sexual fantasies. Typically, one is the top or dominant (the giver) and one is the bottom or submissive (the receiver), but these roles and activities are also interchangeable.  Special forms of erotic role-play include age play, Doctor/nurse or Nurse/patient, Master/slave, Teacher/schoolgirl, puppy and pony-play, Goddess/worshipper, Punisher/victim, play rape scenarios as well as many others.

Dominance and Submission

Have you ever had someone hold your hands down while having sex?  If not, I highly recommend it as it is incredibly erotic.  My first experience with this was how I found out I was “slightly” kinky.  The simple action of holding someone down while have sex—rough dominant sex, if you will—is a form of dominance and submission.  Doesn’t sound too kinky does it?  Actually, sounds kind of fun!  Now, if one were to add silk scarves or rope to tie you to the bedposts, that would take this one step further and you might think that was rather kinky, but maybe still doable.  Or maybe you are getting wet just thinking about it?  What is important with any type of kinky play, or dominance and submission, is that you talk about your fantasies together, decide your wants and limits, and do so conscentually.

Bondage

As mentioned above, bondage, even being held down while having sex, can be for some people highly erotic.  The term “Bondage” describes the practice of restraining for pleasure.  Bondage, while kinky for some, is only another type of sexual expression for many couples or play partners, even in vanilla relationships.  Types of bondage include using rope, hand cuffs, spreader bars, or even suspension.  Another more “extreme” type of bondage is mummification in which someone is wrapped in plastic wrap or placed in bondage bags.  Muzzles, hoods and even ball gags are also considered bondage because they are in some way restrictive.

Sensation Play

Sensation play is a sensual way of touching your partner that is a wonderful form of erotic foreplay.  It can consist of tying someone up and tickling them with a feather, rubbing fur or silk over their flesh while blindfolded, pouring hot candle wax on your partner’s skin to turn up the heat, using ice cubes to awaken and entice, or applying a pinwheel or other sharp instruments of torture to add an element of danger and excitement.  Sensation play can add a level of eroticism that can bring your arousal to new heights of pleasure and passion.

Spanking

Spanking is also another popular kinky practice that has made its way into mainstream vanilla sex.  Spanking is a form of percussion play which is another form of touching someone that can be wildly erotic.  It can include anything from light, playful spanking to flagellation with whips and paddles, to caning, flogging and everything in between.  One person’s pain is another person’s pleasure.  People who enjoy percussion may have spanking fantasies they’d love to fulfill.  Many men and women enjoy the fantasy of being punished for real or imagined “bad behavior”.  Some people enjoy being put into a submissive position, while others enjoy the physical sensation of getting their backside (or other sexual parts) warmed up.

Of course there are literally hundreds of types of kink, including a long list of fetishes and paraphilias that one could explore or desire.  One person’s kink is another person’s vanilla.

So, are you kinky… yet?

Check out my reviews of Kinky Toys to give you some ideas to play with!

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