Women and High Sex Drive

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The conventional knowledge and wisdom regarding women’s sexual desire is being questioned in a book released in 2013 written by journalist of New York Times Magazine Daniel Bergner, What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire.

Female Desire vs. Male Expectation – A Controversy

The latest studies show that women want much more sex than myths about desire allowed us to believe so far. This has nothing to do with the fact that their lust has a strong connection with some emotional factors. Sex drive is a biological component which manifests as sexual fantasies and thoughts, erotic attraction towards men, genital sensitivity or tingling and it varies from one woman to another. Desire might be tempered by personal values and beliefs, but the more positive the attitude about sex, the greater the desire to be sexual. So, lust is driven by both emotional and interpersonal factors; when a woman is sexually attracted to others, she begins to seek sexual activity or even a relationship and her sex drive gets stronger.

Bergner’s book reflects the research of experienced sexologists who have come to the conclusion that most women want just as much sex as men do. Specialists suggest that women might be even less “well-suited for living a life of monogamy” than men are, as crazy as that might sound. Bergner shows us that science is finally asking the right questions concerning female desire and the reason is that we might be finally ready to hear the honest answers. We now have evidence that women are much more like men than we have admitted up till now and they are full of erotic potential.

The difference between sexes is that women want sex but, at the same time, they don’t want to be seen as desperate or too easygoing. On the other hand, when men want sex, most of them feel unconfident and intimidated, or even afraid to be seen as domineering. The fact that women want sex and are afraid of being slut-shamed for it and men want sex and they’re concerned about rejection might falsely set equality between these two experiences. Slut-shaming is a precursor and, at the same time, also an excuse for sexual violence: the classic defense of rapists -“she was asking for it”- is based on their assumption that women who instigate sexual activity “deserve” anything they get. So, this fear of rape can hardly be comparable to men’s anxiety of being rejected. The result is even if women want sex they usually hide it because of fear or shame.

Bergner states that men’s and women’s libidos are far more alike than previously imagined and all the data he used in his book suggests that our sexual scripts need to change in order to fit this newly discovered reality for the sake of everyone. Both men and women need to deal with the discomfort that appears when walking outside the lines of the old “prescribed gender roles”. This is obviously easier said than done, as the research proves that the majority of us still think it’s the men’s job to make “the first move”.

Bergner reveals the fact that even though both sexes struggle to overcome the traditional gender roles established by society, women do a better job at it. They are far more willing to move into traditional spaces of men and adopt their behavior, trying to understand them, than men are willing to do the reverse. Unfortunately, too many men are still stuck in the “provide, protect and perform” pattern which requires a passive attitude from women, an attitude which implies a need to please the other instead of your own self.

What do Women Want?

Bergner’s book does not eradicate the already known fact that female desire is strongly linked to the brain, emotionally speaking. Women’s sexual lust is connected to brain impulses and, therefore, their desire implies a lot of emotional factors without a doubt. Satisfaction needs profound stimulants and feelings such as romance and love but this is not all there is to it.

Freud had a famous question “What do women want?” and this one definitely invites another in return: “Can men handle the answer if they find out?”. While plenty of women are comfortable playing the passive role, more and more want something else: a partnership. This means a partnership in both public and private life, and also in the bedroom. They want to be able to freely express their desires without being labeled or judged for doing so. For instance, it’s time we broaden our horizons and accept that most women enjoy watching porn, just as much as guys do, but unfortunately they feel that they have to hide it, because the act of watching porn is still seen as a man-thing. Porn sites have already embraced the idea and some of them, including Youporn, have created female friendly porn sections; so, as a woman you can now find some great eye-candy porn out there.

It’s a pity that the sexual landscape is still ruled by insecurities. Especially insecure thoughts are the ones leading to frustration, fear or violence and keeping both men and women from having their needs fulfilled.

As a conclusion, women’s desires are fully equal to men’s. This should be enough for us to lose the sexual scripts that society’s standards have buried in our minds over time, because these are the ones causing insecurity and fear of rejection. Loosing fear means winning freedom, pleasure and happiness.

 

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