Welcome to the first review of my Strange Toys Indeed Series
When you review sex toys as much as I do, you tend to become a bit jaded with the same-old stuff. So, I’m always on the look-out for cool, new, innovation, and sometimes strange sex toys. So for the next few weeks I will be reviewing the weirdest of the weird sex toys on the market. Some are repulsive, some are beautiful, some are scary, and some are offensive. And, then there are those that are just plain blasphemous, like the lovely Jackhammer Jesus from Divine Interventions.
Divine Interventions is “a small earnest group of artisans who” make a whole range of iconic religious sex toys including the Virgin Mary, the Baby Jesus Butt Plug, Moses, the Devil, Buddha’s Delight and Judas. Their dildos and butt plugs are made from “high-quality silicone dildos… made to make you come.” Why Silicone?
“Silicone dildoes are labour intensive and slow to make, but, like great sex, the longer it takes, the better it is.”
Sounds reasonable to me. That they use only premium materials in the creation of their sacrilegious sex toys tells me these folks are serious about and take pride in their work, even if the subject matter is rather ironic. If I were a religious person, I might be offended by these profane phalluses. But, since I’m not, and like to find the humor in the bizarre, I think their designs are rather witty. If anything they are certainly unique, and they got a lot of balls for originating them.
My Jackhammer Jesus is lustrous (marbled) with metallic swirls of varying shades of deep purple. JJ also comes in marbled white, silver black, gold, blue, and red (all with metallic luster), as well as Rag Red, Snow White, Asphyxiation Blue and Glow in the Dark White. It has an insertable length of 7 1/2″, with a 1 3/4 diameter, so plenty of length and girth to satisfy most debauched perverts, even Mary Magdalene. I guess Jesus was also well-hung. As you can see by the image, the dildo is Jesus on the cross undergoing his “passion” of suffering and painful death by crucifixion. In this context, the “passion” obviously has more than one meaning. At the bottom of the cross, the dildo has a bulbous penis-shaped head and on the back, rippled folds. Both of these are designed for increased pleasure and they do deliver.
Jesus feels awesome once inserted and that bulbous head is also great for G-spot stimulation as well. Used with a little water-based lube (don’t use silicone) and he slides easily inside. I have to admit, during my passionate encounter with this dildo I got a bit carried away. I was overcome by the “spirit” of Linda Blair and as I slammed the crucifix into me I began shouting out “Fuck me Jesus, fuck me Jesus!” As I reached orgasm I thought my head was going to start to swivel around and that I might start levitating off the bed!
Okay. Seriously though. I didn’t get that carried away, but I certainly did entertain the fantasy, which was quite strange indeed. However, as much as it freaked me out, I did have a great G-spot gush with this wicked toy. I just hope I don’t get pregnant via Immaculate Conception.
I love my Jackhammer Jesus. Definitely a quality toy that is as practical as it is impious. This sex toy is a collector’s item for deviants like me and religious fetishists who get off on iconic fuckery. Get your own Jackhammer Jesus (or other naughty sex toy) from Divine Intervention and let the spirit move you!